Saturday 2.25am 30th March 2019

Assalamualaikum,

I can't sleep so here I am typing to everyone who is reading my blog..
As promise, I will share my experience with you when I went to BTS LOVE YOURSELF CONCERT IN Singapore which is in 19th January 2019.

I went with my mum (who booked the tickets for us), my 10 years old Niece and my mum's two friends who lives BTS as well.. Mum decide to go early so that we can have a bite before the concert and walk around to see the booths. That very day, the feeling did not really sunk in to me yet and I felt like going out with my mum to help her with shopping.

Upon reaching Kallang Stadium, what I saw was a shocked to my life. The whole Kallang area is full of ARMY. Right, left centre, back and everywhere you look there's ARMY. How do I know?? Obviously with the amount of BTS  merchandises people are holding. I could not eat anything as I was literally shocked and amazed seeing ARMY.

Well, I bought ARMY Bomb online (actually my husband bought it for me). Mum send me the link to buy it online but it turns out to be faked.( FACE LOVE). I only realised it was fake on the day of the concert itself when we can't connect to the Army Bomb app. So me and mum went to buy another one at the concert itself. P.S NEVER Buy Army BOMB ONLINE.
After buying and setting up our Army Bomb, we went to look for the Queue and we start to line up and OMG!!! the line of the Q is so long and it goes like a snake. It took us quite a while to wait for our turn.

We have to go for security check. The securities checked through our bags and we can't bring our water in. The water bottles must be empty. We got to our seats after collecting our slogans that Singapore Army did just for the concert and while waiting for the concert to start they played BTS music videos. Our seats was not really near the stage but we can really see clearly through the screen.

Concert Starts and omg it is like a dream, which I still thinks I had a dream of going to BTS concert.7 beautiful good looking men Standing on the Stage is just making your heart drop( mic drop!) Their stage presence is amazing. Their performances are amazing. Their LIVE Singing is exactly how you listen to on audio as for me its Spotify 😜

Overall it is truly amazing and awesome concert and it is not a waste of money. The experiences you get and feel is hard to describe. Hearing the fans chanting BT S individual name. Cheering and singing to every songs I It was magnificent.

So Army out there if people talk shit about BTS let them cause we BTS fans are the only one who knows how truly great  these boys are. They can dance and sing live. continue to give support to them it all matters besides, they are now the worldwide idols.

So that's it for now. Type to you again soon goodnight.
Ps Can't wait for their comeback on April 12th and its one day after my  36th Birthday.

Sunday 17 March 2019 12.09am

Assalamualaikum..

Well first of all I know I was supposed to share my experience on my first time going to BTS concert but I decided not for now until I switch on my laptop haha. Apologise to all.. I'm just to plain lazy n too preoccupied on other things to just switch on my laptop. And you might be asking what am I using to type today blog. I'm just using my handphone. 😅😜

Today, I'm here to just share with you about what I plan to do with my life.
After my miscarriage, I try to pull myself back up and I end up thinking again what to do with my life besides being a mum and a wife. With lots and lots of thinking and planning, I finally decide what to do.

At first I thought of doing online home business and just stay at home but after promoting the items and sharing them on my social medias, doing house chores I have nothing to do and I was bored. Haha figures right. So I end up sending my resume to start getting myself a job while doing this online home business. Those who wants to know what I'm selling follow me in Instagram at @manis.anis.familia and Facebook page Manis Anis.

I also decide that while waiting to get a job, promoting my home business I want to start changing myself to be a better me. Religiously, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Firstly, I decide to get closer to Allah S.W.T, start praying and start reading the Quran. Of course that too had goals for me to achieve.

Secondly, I want to start gaining weight, eat healthy, start eating supplements and start working out and definitely I want to quit smoking.

Thirdly, once I get a job I start saving money, take some courses or learn other languages just to improve myself and save up and travel to see the world. The nature and its beauty.
Of course once I start working and have the income, I will make sure that my kids are living a healthy lifestyle as well.

I know its hard but I will take one step at a time to achieve my goals and dreams.
With this, I end today's blog. I will type out my experiences about the BTS concert soon. Can't wait to use my new  BTS mouse pad haha.
So good night and will type to you soon.

Lots of loves, hugs and kisses
Lyea Li (LL)

Thursday 07/03/2019 12.26pm

Assalammualaikum

Its been a while since i type here in this blog. A lot of  stuffs happen the past few months and I'm just getting back on my feet. Since its been awhile, i will do it in months and dates for whatever happen in my life. Especially to those i remember clearly.

7 December 2018, Friday
Went to Yishun Polyclinic and i confirmed that i am pregnant with my 4th child.

13 and 14 December 2018 Thurs night and Friday
notice spotting after i went for groceries shopping on Thursday night and my 3rd born is having a fever.

15 December 2018 Saturday
Send my 3rd born to the doctor and was diagnosed with HFMD. And i started bleeding

19 December 2018 Wednesday
While Mr husband is at home looking after BabyWan who is having one week mc for HFMD, me and my first born, my one and only babygirl went to Kadang Kerbau Hospital (KKH). It was confirm that my baby has no heartbeat and I'm having a miscarriage. My heaven baby was only 8 weeks old.

28 December 2018 Friday
Mr Husband accompanied me to the hospital. Baby Heaven (BH) is still in me and still 8 weeks only. Make appt for surgery to remove BH in January. I broke down.

29 December 2018 Saturday
Started to feel stomach cramp around 4 plus in the evening after shower. After Magrib around 8 plus in the evening, I'm stuck in the toilet for almost 2 hours as i was bleeding out blood clots. It ends around 10. I was weak and almost fainted.

30th December 2018 Sunday
Went to emergency ward together with Mr Husband and BabyWan around 1 plus in the afternoon. Had a slight fever.Doctor say there are still some balance foetus in my womb. Have to do emergency washing as i was still bleeding, looking pale for losing a lot of blood and was having fever.
6pm to 7.30 pm I did went to emergency surgery for evacuation of the uterus.. Was asleep during the surgery. Stay in hospital for a night.
I was feeling broken and empty inside, and yet  i still give a smile and say I AM FINE. The day where BH totally left me.

I'm not sure if  I recovered from the lost, or did I move on from what had happen. My brain and my heart just keep telling me that i need to be strong and push myself to move on for my other children.
I still broke down and cry myself to sleep once in a while seeing pregnant ladies walking around or seeing baby products. It hurts me deeply, but i know BH is waiting for me in Heaven and Allah has better plans for me.

After the incident, i distance myself from my family and my in laws. They were not really there for me and i felt that i have to go through it all alone. I did not voice out anything to anyone on how i feel. I basically just keep my mouth shut. pushing myself up and move on.  I started to do on line business and still looking for a job but that will be another time when i type out my blog.

I will type out my next blog soon In Shaa Allah, telling you about my online business and my experience when i went to BTS Love Yourself Concert.
Till then....


Lots of hugs, kisses and loves
from yours truly
Lyea Li (LL)

Monday 19 Nov 2018 12.45am

Assalamualaikum,

It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. Today is my 3rd born 4th birthday. Will be celebrating at his school later in the afternoon. And I will be going out later in the evening to watch Burn the stage movie by BTS with mum Niece nephew and one of my mum's friend.

I've been going for Islamic talk with one of lil sissy and after one of the talk I manage to ask and talk to Ustaz Mizi regarding the issues that I have at home. He told me to be patience and continue to doa n pray for the best.

Well after the talk, I know now what am I supposed to do. I have to change myself to be a better muslimah and a better person first in order to change someone else's behaviour. Be more patience, calm and understanding in dealing my daily life. N just pray for the best.

Allah knows best. He knows what is good for me. N maybe the things I want is not good for me but the things I don't want is what best for me. So I will just pray and hoping that my husband and my children will change while I myself learn to be a better person and muslimah while loving myself n stay true to myself.

Finally, I got myself a job. Data entry assistant. Its far and the pay is not really that high but I'm grateful. I can start paying off my debts, saving up for my bucket list and upgrade myself. Be more independant.

So that's all for now. Have a good night/ good morning people.
Love myself love Yourself.
Ps.. Mum help me book bts concert that will held on 19 Jan 2019. Will be going with my mum n Niece.

Ya Allah, syukur Alhamdulillah for everything you have given me. Give the strength, patience, endurance, love and understanding for me to overcome the obstacle given by you. Guide me and my family to the right path. Change us to be a better Muslim and muslimah and a better person. Aamiin.

Sunday 28 October 2018 11.23am

I've been asking myself questions. Is it me?? Is my expectation too high?? Or getting higher?? I try to find alternatives.. I try to find reasons on how u think n how u behave.. But sadly nothing came into my mind.
And like always I end up shutting myself and creating these walls again to protect myself.
After 7 years of marriage, I realise that the way we think are totally opposite one another. And everyday anxiety creep up on me. With questions like can we survive?? Is it enough?? Are my kids happy n safe??
I start to make my own plans without u in it. I started to prioritise my babies n my dreams and not you.
Everything changes when u start mistreating the kids. Everything changes when I see n feel that my kids were treated unfairly. I start to plan for my future with my kids.
Everything changes when u become more thrifty n stingy and always keep saying that it is not enough.
My sleepless night thinking what will happen to me n my kids.. Can we survive financially.. My brains start working again making me having a restless night.
Maybe I think too much.. Maybe I oversee things too much.. Maybe I'm too sensitive. This is all the maybes that been running through my head day and night. Just maybe..

But what if its not me but its you..???

Wednesday 17/10/2018 11.28am

Answer: Love Myself

[English]

I’m opening my eyes in the darkness
When my heartbeat sounds unfamiliar
I’m looking at you in the mirror
The fear-ridden eyes, asking the question

Loving myself might be harder
ㅆhan loving someone else
Let’s admit it
The standards I made is more strict for you
The thick tree rings in your life
It’s part of you, it’s you
Now let’s forgive ourselves
Our lives are long, trust yourself when in a maze
When winter passes, spring always comes

From the eyes of the cold night
I try to hide myself
As I keep tossing and turning

Maybe I fell in order to take place of those countless stars
The target of the thousands of bright arrows is me alone

You’ve shown me I have reasons
I should love myself
I’ll answer with my breath, my path

The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow
(I’m learning how to love myself)
With no exceptions, it’s all me

Maybe there’s no answer
Maybe this isn’t the answer either
It’s just that loving myself
Doesn’t require anyone else’s permission
I’m looking for myself again
But I don’t wanna die anymore
Me, who used to be sad
Me, who used to be hurt
It’ll make me more beautiful

Yes, I have that beauty
Knowing that is going
On the path to loving myself
It’s what I need the most
I’m walking for myself
It’s an action needed for me
My attitude towards myself
That’s the happiness I need for me
I’ll show you what i got
I’m not afraid because it’s me
Love myself

From the very beginning
To the very end
There’s only one answer

Why do you keep trying to hide under your mask?
Even all the scars from your mistakes make up your constellation

You’ve shown me I have reasons
I should love myself
I’ll answer with my breath, my path

Inside of me
There’s still that awkward part of me but

You’ve shown me I have reasons
I should love myself
(I’m learning how to love myself)
I’ll answer with my breath, my path

The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow
(I’m learning how to love myself)
With no exceptions, it’s all me

Wednesday 17/10/2018 11.27

Fake Love

[English]

If it’s for you
I can act like I’m happy even when I’m sad
If it’s for you
I can act strong even when it hurts
Hoping love will be perfected with only love
Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden
In this dream that won’t ever come true
I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed

I’m so sick of this
Fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s
Fake love, fake love, fake love

I wanna be a good man
just for you
I gave you the world,
just for you
I changed everything
just for you
Now I dunno me
Who are you?
In our forest, you weren’t there
I forgot the route that I came on
Now I don’t even know who I used to be
So I ask the mirror, who are you?

If it’s for you
I can act like I’m happy even when I’m sad
If it’s for you
I can act strong even when it hurts
Hoping love will be perfected with only love
Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden
In this dream that won’t ever come true
I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed

Love you so bad, love you so bad
For you, I’m enacting a pretty lie
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
I’m erasing myself to become your doll
Love you so bad, love you so bad
For you, I’m enacting a pretty lie
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
I’m erasing myself to become your doll

I’m so sick of this
Fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s
Fake love, fake love, fake love

Why you sad? I don’t know, I don’t know
Smile, tell me you love me
Look at me, I threw myself away
Not even you can understand me
You say I’m strange when I changed into the person you liked
You say I’m not the person you used to know
What do you mean? No, I’ve grown blind
What do you mean this is love, it’s all fake love

Woo, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno why
Woo, I don’t even know myself
Woo, I just know, I just know, I just know why
’cause it’s all fake love, fake love, fake love

Love you so bad, love you so bad
For you, I’m enacting a pretty lie
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
I’m erasing myself to become your doll
Love you so bad, love you so bad
For you, I’m enacting a pretty lie
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
I’m erasing myself to become your doll

I’m so sick of this
Fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s
Fake love, fake love, fake love

If it’s for you
I can act like I’m happy even when I’m sad
If it’s for you
I can act strong even when it hurts
Hoping love will be perfected with only love
Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden
In this dream that won’t ever come true
I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed