Asalammualaikum,
Its been a while that i updated my blog. A lot of things happen good and bad. So lets start... here is my story.
Well 2nd October was my 7th year wedding anniversary. Quite long huh.. But the thing is, i use to keep myself on all the dates, like birthdays anniversaries and such. its been like 2 years or more that i don't really keep myself updated on all the special dates around me. the only dates i remember is my children's birthday, and those people who i love birthdays like my parents siblings and such. Don't really think much on other people.
It's been a while that i have been thinking and deciding. but it finally snap when he whats app in the family chat saying that if you not happy get out from the house to my son. And that's where i woke up from a long slumber. and that's where i said enough is enough.
I am a fan of BTS and after listening to their songs and their speeches that it came to my mind. i have been neglecting myself for so long.. I was so busy looking after other people that i have no time for myself. After some self reflect and such i start to make plans for myself.. I create bucket list, i start working out, look after my skins and my health. And i even do what i want to do and not what people want me to do. I just wanna be myself. Loving myself first is the first step to everything.
After self reflecting and all, i realised that the feelings i use to have are no longer there. I have this feeling that my 2nd marriage won't last as well.. Cos its a toxic relationship. Well, i don't blame him 100% cos i am at fault too. My expectation is high, i am impatient, I have low tolerance of stupidity and i often snaps. But for bloody 4 years after i put on hijab that i start to change slowly. But you, you remain the same or should i say you are getting worst.
1) you becoming more calculative in everything
2) you look down on me (well maybe you don't even know that your words hurt me) and the people around me.
3) you expect people to follow your ways. Why can't you accept the fact that people have their own way of thinking.
4) you think you always right which include of you love to judge others, assume etc etc
5) your insecurities are pulling other people down. just because you feel insecure, you wanna stop others from achieving their own life goals and dreams??
6) you never think before you speak and most of the time it sound so stupid that you make yourself look like a fool
7) you are self centered person
8) you always pick on my two older children (which is not biologically yours) always finding their fault which by right you suppose to protect them and support them.
You promise me to love me and my two older babies unconditionally, to protect us and to support us but i guess after your own child is born you totally forget that promise.
I used to blame myself for everything that is happening in our life. I was not working and all of us are depending on your income which end up you have to find other part time jobs to support us. But then I realised, its your responsibility to do all that. and hey even though I'm not working, i look after the children, do all the household chores. and guess what giving $50 as my monthly maintenance money you got to be kidding me. that money where i have to spend to buy food top up ezlink and all. And when i told you its not enough you just add another $50 extra...
Well, the more i say the more I'm upset. but ya i decide to love myself look after my babies and my health and beauty. finding job so that i can be my independent self back. Cos truthfully speaking, I don't know how much longer i can stand all of this . and trust me the moment me and my two older children start earning, you will start giving us problems by finding faults and your insecurities and jealousy will start haunting you once again just like before when you accuse me of having an affair.
So right now, i am taking one step at a time to gain myself back. teaching and telling my children to learn to be independent and we will see how it goes. If you not happy with it then i guess you can just leave..
That's all for now.. Happy readings.
P.S : love yourself and look after yourself first no matter what happen. Never give up on your dreams and life goals. to give some encouragement start doing a bucket list so that you can slowly start achieving to be a better you then yesterday.
